


What We Do on the Dark Side

by Piano_Padawan



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Genre: Dark Comedy, Humor, Multi, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, Vampires, not meant to be taken seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:14:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23628274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piano_Padawan/pseuds/Piano_Padawan
Summary: The upper ranks of the First Order hold many dark secrets. Rumors speak of strange noises during the night shifts, sightings of Imperial officers thought to be long deceased, and mysterious disappearances of interns who fail to file their paperwork properly.A documentary film crew was granted exclusive insight into the Supreme Council of the First Order. This is what they found…(A Rise of Skywalker Parody based on the mocumentary "What We Do in the Shadows")
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Armitage Hux
Comments: 10
Kudos: 25





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or What We Do in the Shadows. I do not own any of the characters, names, themes, etc. related to the movies, books or other media. All copyrighted material is intended used for unofficial, nonprofit, transformative purposes.
> 
> This is not standard screenplay format or proper formatting for a documentary transcript. This is a very unofficial sort of transcript format that I hope will flow alright.

FADE IN:

OPENING TEXT

The First Order reigns. Having triumphed over the Resistance’s dwindling forces in the Battle of Crait, the sinister regime basks in a position of unchallenged influence over the galaxy.

But politics are not the Order’s only concern. Newly appointed Supreme Leader Ren has quickly learned that unchallenged authority comes at a price.

**INT. The Supreme Leader’s Throne Room aboard _The Steadfast_ , a Resurgent-Class Star Destroyer.**

_Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, age 30 years old, is lounging on an obsidian throne with red etchings to match his poorly repaired cracked helmet. The helmet is set on the throne’s armrest, having been removed for audio clarity of the recording._

**KYLO REN:** I was always suspicious of him. Just that look of his. That cold, dead stare.

OPENING TEXT (cont.)

In the year 35 ABY, the Supreme Leader uncovered his top officers’ darkest secret.

_The screen flashes a montage of headlines and old news clips, detailing the promotion of the young General Armitage Hux, the disappearance of entire teams of interns and high-ranking officers, and police reports of blood stains on the walls of First Order Star Destroyers._

**KYLO REN:** (cont. voiceover) You hear stories about his career. Rumor has it that he designed the weapons and defense system for every ship in this fleet. People say that he slit some throats to get where he is. They say that he comes out of meeting rooms with blood on his uniform, muttering something about arteries. He never smiles, and when he does, it’s like he’s hiding something. So, it was clear that he wasn’t normal. None of them were normal.

_The montage displays purported photographs and holovids of shadowed figures attacking hapless passerby in the halls of The Steadfast during the night shift. Some of the figures appear to levitate or walk along the walls._

**KYLO REN:** (cont. voiceover) At first, I thought they just has murderous tendencies, which I could tolerate. We all need to express our years of bottled up, pressurized rage somehow. But when I became Supreme Leader, I learned the truth, and it wasn’t what I expected at all.

OPENING TEXT (cont.)

A documentary film crew was granted exclusive insight into the Supreme Council of the First Order. This is what they found…

DISSOLVE TO BLACK

_The distant beeping of a MSE droid, the echo of footsteps in the hall and muffled sobbing signal the start of another day aboard The Steadfast._

FADE IN

**INT. Central Meeting Room of _The Steadfast_**

_The members of the Supreme Council are seated at a long casket-shaped table with matching casket-shaped chairs, an interesting design for a military setting. The council members include Allegiant General Pryde (the First Order’s second in command, tall, gaunt and sullen), General Hux (tall, gaunt and sullen), and several other equally tall, gaunt and sullen officers. The gathering is dressed in staid black uniforms resembling funeral attire. Many of them look as if they haven’t seen the sun in years. Clearly, they do not spend much of their time planetside._

**HUX:** He’s late again. This is exactly why we shouldn’t have trusted him with breakfast.

**PRYDE:** He is the Supreme Leader. According to tradition, this is one of his formal duties. Any deviation would be improper.

**HUX:** He’d better bring back a live one this time. I’m not touching anything that isn’t-

_An imposing figure clad in a flowing black cloak sweeps into the room. The gathering goes silent at the entrance of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren._

**PRYDE:** Supreme Leader. We were wondering when you might arrive.

_Kylo Ren ignores him. He reveals a paper bag from beneath his cloak and unceremoniously dumps its contents out on the table: a severed Ovissian head._

**HUX:** What in the name of-

**KYLO REN:** Breakfast! Enjoy!

_The Council stares at him in disbelief._

**HUX:** Ren, I gave you specific, clearly written instructions. What part of “fresh, virgin blood” is so hard to understand?!

**KYLO:** It’s not my fault! You all are the ones who sprang this whole “vampire” business on me at the last minute! I’m still new to this!

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH KYLO REN

INTRODUCTORY TEXT: Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, 30 years old, vampire as of one week ago

**KYLO:** Becoming Supreme Leader came with a lot of unwanted surprises. The fact that I had to actually plan a whole strategy for ruling the galaxy. The fact that we don’t have money set aside for me to buy both a new helmet and a new elevator after I smashed old one into the elevator wall. All of that was pretty bad news.

Then I found out Palpatine was somehow still alive and wanted to talk to me, and I thought, “Okay, it really can’t go downhill from here”. So, I went to Exegol. (shakes his head) And I found out that the reason he’s still alive is that he’s a vampire. It turns out that my officers are also vampires who he bit as part of his “good, good plan” centuries ago, including Hux. He just never told me.

_Cue old video footage of Palpatine rising out of a coffin, followed by a montage of pictures showing the decrepit emperor with famous Imperial officers, playing organ music and drinking goblets of deep red liquid, surrounded by vampire mynocks._

**KYLO:** (cont.) Needless to say, I was pretty offended. I really expected Hux would be more open with me about these things, mainly because I use the Force to probe into his mind so often that it’s hard to keep secrets. Naturally, I felt betrayed. I wanted to get back at him. So, I made a deal with Palpatine to turn me. He’s actually a pretty obliging Sith Lord. He’ll bite any Force-sensitive on the Dark Side if you display interest and raw, untamed power.

_He shows his fangs to the camera._

**KYLO:** (cont.) Overall, I’m alright with being a vampire. I’ve always hated sunlight. I’m pretty accustomed to killing random villagers. So, a lot of my life has more or less stayed the same. The trouble is really the other vampires in the First Order, specifically Hux. As Supreme Leader, I’m technically obligated to make sure that they all get fed, which is turning out to be harder than I expected.

CUT BACK TO FOOTAGE OF THE SUPREME COUNCIL MEETING

The camera zooms in on the severed head, which is surprisingly clean and lacking in gore.

**HUX:** Where is the rest of it?

**KYLO:** I- I had all my Knights with me. They were really hungry. They got to it first.

**HUX:** So, you didn’t save anything for the rest of us?!

**KYLO:** Look. Just suck out some blood from the bottom. There’s got to be some dripping out.

**HUX:** Ren, I told you specifically not to bring back any more severed heads. They’re impossible to drink from, and what little blood you get is tasteless, lower in nutritional value, has all the wrong consistency-

**KYLO:** It’s not my fault you’re impossible to please!

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH HUX

INTRODUCTORY TEXT: General Armitage Hux, 199 years old, Head Technologist of the Sunlight Defense Program

**HUX:** Ren is without a doubt the most difficult person I have ever met in nearly two centuries. Dealing with him is like sitting in a pool of molten silver in broad sunlight surrounded by garlic plants. Worse even.

When I heard that Ren had become a vampire, I was very upset, outraged even. I was really hoping that one day, if I couldn’t kill him myself, he’d just die of old age, as humans are prone to do. But now, I don’t even have that to look forward to. I’ve tried to think of ways to kill him, but it’s very hard to hunt a vampire when you yourself are one. The most foolproof method would be sunlight. The trouble is, it’s difficult to find a way to use sunlight without both of us getting burnt to a crisp.

CUT BACK TO FOOTAGE OF MEETING

**HUX:** (indicating data pad) Really, Ren. Did you even look at the grocery list I sent you?

**KYLO:** Yeah. Yeah, sure I did.

**HUX:** Because it says right here, in large, red font: “fresh, virgin blood; B antigen free; victim age range between 20 and 60 human years; live victims; Rebel Scum preferred; no severed heads”. See, right there. I put that in all caps with a special double underline.

_The camera zooms in on Hux’s grocery list which contains a stick-figure illustration of the ideal victim dressed in a Resistance pilot uniform._

**KYLO:** I don’t have time for all your stupid little details, Hux! It’s not my fault that you’re so choosy-

**HUX:** Choosy?! I only ask-

_Kylo raises a clenched fist. Hux claws at his neck, gasping for air._

**PRYDE:** Enough. Both of you!

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH PRYDE

INTRODUCTORY TEXT: Allegiant General Pryde, 620 years old, Five-star Count of the Undead Army

**PRYDE:** New leadership always presents a time of challenging transition. Being responsible for a military force as large and illustrious as the First Order is a formidable task. The added fact that 51% of all personnel and 100% of all commissioned officers are vampires doesn’t make it any easier. I would know. So, knowing how poorly Ren takes to responsibility of any kind, I didn’t expect everything to run smoothly. It’s my job to keep the Council focused and professional.

CUT BACK TO THE MEETING

**PRYDE:** Supreme Leader, please let go of him. Armitage, stop being so melodramatic. We all know you don’t actually need to breathe.

**HUX:** (muttering to himself) Still doesn’t make it comfortable.

**PRYDE:** Now, returning to the subject of today’s meeting. We have a shortage of victims, as I am sure you are all aware…

The opening theme music begins to play while Hux and Kylo glare daggers at each other. After about a minute, Kylo ignites his lightsaber and Hux hisses, revealing his fangs.

**PRYDE:** Stop it. Both of you! Hux, what did I say about the hissing?

CUT TO OPENING MONTAGE

**SITH ETERNAL FILMS PRESENTS**

**IN COLLABORATION WITH THE MUSTAFAR DOCUMENTARY BOARD**

**“WHAT WE DO ON THE DARK SIDE”**


	2. Creatures of Habit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left comments or kudos!

**INT. The Private Chamber of General Hux**

_A marmalade Tooka-cat is curled up on top of a long crate, sleeping peacefully. Its nap is interrupted when the crate begins to move. The cat leaps off in alarm just as the lid slides off. General Hux emerges from the crate. His hair is unkempt, and he looks even thinner and pastier than usual._

**HUX:** (voiceover) Things haven’t been easy for me in the past year. The damage to _The Finalizer_ during our last major battle with the Resistance destroyed my old chamber and I’ve been transferred to _The Steadfast_ which has really been a change for the worse. Everyone on the Supreme Council gets their own private crypt, but some are certainly superior to others.

_Hux indicates the crate to the cameraman. A closeup reveals a fluffy blanket and pillows inside._

**HUX:** This is where I sleep. Allegiant General Pryde said he put in an order for a proper coffin, but apparently, it’s been delayed. That was six months ago. At first, I considered asking him about to check on it again as a birthday present of sorts. I turn 200 next week. But I decided against it; I have other things I want to ask for and can’t waste my 200th birthday wish. _(He fluffs up one of the pillows and straightens the blanket in an effort to make his “bed”.)_ Needless to say, I haven’t been sleeping very well.

_Cut to footage from the previous day of Hux rearranging the blankets in his crate. He tries adjusting himself into several sleeping positions, all of which are some variation of lying stiff as a board with his hands crossed over his chest. Desperate to sleep, he tries to position the crate against the wall so he can sleep upside down, only to tumble out onto the floor._

**HUX:** (voiceover) I’ve always been a restless sleeper. They call it “the curse of the waking dead”. When I was human, they just called it “insomnia”, but it has more or less the same effects. Some people say that vampires don’t need to sleep. I think that what they mean is that we can’t _physically_ become any more dead than we already are. But after six months without a proper coffin, I’m starting to feel a little off. Nevertheless, one can only push forward.

_Cut to montage of the morning routine in the First Order._

**INT. Berthing Crypts of The Steadfast**

_The berthing crypt is composed of a long room with neat rows of coffins stacked like triple bunk beds. At the sound of the alarm, the crew awakens and rises synchronously from their caskets. They then go about brushing their fangs and freshening up before departing for their shifts._

**ALLEGIANT GENERAL PRYDE:** _(interview voiceover)_ Vampires are fundamentally creatures of habit. Some may call our regulations stifling, but really, it’s better for everyone to have a sense of structure. Other vampires have to search for a sense of purpose, trying out fruitless hobbies like pottery, sewing, simply not knowing how to spend their immortality. But that isn’t a problem here. Here, we know exactly how we’ll occupy ourselves for the rest of eternity, and trust me when I say there is much to be done.

**INT. The Private Quarters of The Supreme Leader**

_Kylo Ren is sleeping upside down, with his cape wrapped around him. His alarm clock goes off across the room. A hand emerges from the cape and clenches into a fist, crushing the clock, which Ren then throws into a growing pile of crushed alarm clocks from previous mornings. After a few more minutes of angrily tossing and turning in his cape, he descends from the ceiling and begins his extensive hair regiment._

**KYLO REN:** _(interview voiceover)_ As Supreme Leader, I am very busy finishing what Darth Vader started. It looks like I have a long time to do that now that I’m a vampire. But I still have a lot to do. I’m in charge of the whole fleet, so I need to keep monitor all my officers, keep myself updated with everyone.

_He sits down at his hologram projector and dials a transmission code. A small hologram of General Hux appears on his table seconds later._

**KYLO:** General Hux, report.

 **HUX:** Supreme Leader, this is the sixth time you’ve called me this morning. I told you five minutes ago: I just woke up, I haven’t even gotten to my shift, and there is nothing to report. Why don’t you check in on someone else for a change?

 **KYLO:** Fine, Hux. You don’t need to be so grouchy and rabid about it.

 **HUX:** I’m being completely-

_Kylo flips off the hologram and looks at the cameraman._

**KYLO:** Hux doesn’t approve of my morning reports. He even had the audacity to accuse me of bothering him out of boredom. As if I don’t have anything better to do as Supreme Leader.

_He looks over to check his clock, only to remember that he smashed it ten minutes ago. He shrugs and dials a code into the hologram projector. Hux’s hologram appears again, this time holding a mug of steaming liquid._

**KYLO:** (shouting) General Hux, report!

_Hux flinches, spilling the mug over himself._

**HUX:** Kriff, Ren! You made me spill my breakfast! Ugh. No, there is nothing new to report since the last thirty seconds I spoke with you. Please, please do not call me until another hour at least! (sighs) Now, I need to go change-

_Hux’s hologram disappears. Kylo turns to the camera once more._

**KYLO:** As you can see, I deal with a lot.

**INT. Third Floor East Wing Café abord The Steadfast**

_It is 18:00 in the evening and the café is crowded with personnel hurrying to grab a quick bite before their shift. One of the café workers stands by the entrance, hypnotizing the human customers to “not notice anything out of the ordinary” as they walk through. The menu board lists several specialty caf, tea and blood beverages, including a Drink of the Week: “Winter Blonde Serum Latte”. A clipboard sign has been taped to the register reading: “Limit 1 Quarter Shot Extra Virgin Blood due to shortage of Rebel Scum virgins_ _☹_ _”._

_Hux rushes in and joins the growing line._

**HUX:** This is where I go for breakfast when I run out of blood at home. I have about – (checks watch) – ten minutes before my shift begins, which should be enough time. The line moves quite quickly.

_The camera focuses in behind the bar where a team of human baristas are in a frenzy trying to fill orders._

**HUX:** Most of the baristas here are human familiars, people who have sworn servitude to a vampire in the First Order in exchange for gaining eternal life later on. They’re very efficient. Immortality seems to serve well as motivation. The awkward thing is that they get a little impatient waiting for it.

_Hux reaches the front of the line where one of the baristas – introduced as “Lucius Westen” in the captions – takes his order._

**WESTEN:** So, that’s a Type O Hot Latte and you wanted that centrifuged at low or high speed, sir?

 **HUX:** High speed. I like the layers.

 **WESTEN:** Alright. You can wait over there by the bar, your drink will be out shortly. Speaking of wait, I was wondering whether you knew where I stood on the waiting list.

 **HUX:** _(glances at camera)_ What waiting list? You’ll have to be more specific.

 **WESTEN:** The wait to get my end of the oath. Um- you know, immortality? Vampire status? The deal I made with the First Order?

 **HUX:** Well, firstly, let me reiterate that you didn’t make the deal with the Order as a whole. You made a deal with Phasma who is currently on leave. I’m not legally authorized to bite any familiars on her behalf, so you shall have to ask her once she returns.

 **WESTEN:** Any idea how long that’ll be?

 **HUX:** Hmm. Technically she has authorization to take leave for anywhere between six months to a few decades after the garlic trash compactor incident, but it’ll be fine. You’re young. You haven’t been waiting too long.

 **WESTEN:** I’m 42. I made the oath when I was 19. Can’t you just at least talk to her about it?

 **HUX:** Um-yes. I shall look into possibly talking to her- (clears throat) I don’t want to hold up the line, so I’d best be on my way.

_He quickly finalizes his tip and walks away before Westen can say another word._

**HUX:** (speaking to the camera) I’ve had several uncomfortable encounters with familiars asking about whether it’s their time. It’s illegal in the Order for you to bite someone else’s familiar and none of them are actually bound to me. So, there really isn’t anything I can do anything about it. But I do understand how their indefinite position of servitude with no clear reward in sight could be frustrating. I gave him a 300% tip, so I hope that brightens things up a little.

_One of the baristas calls a number, and Hux retrieves his order from the bar. As he is doing so, a scream echoes from the hall, nearly making him spill his drink again. The café goes silent, the patrons looking in the direction of the noise not with fear so much as curiosity or annoyance. Hux’s commlink buzzes._

**HUX:** (answering commlink) Yes, Officer Unamo?

 **UNAMO:** We had an armor code violation during Stormtrooper drills today, sir.

 **HUX:** Oh no. Don’t tell me someone forgot their helmet.

 **UNAMO:** They did. They went back to get it and it looks like someone bit them outside the café. It’s a real mess.

 **HUX:** Seriously?! Send the sanitation crew in, I’ll be down in a moment to finalize the report. (he turns to the rest of the café and yells) This is why we wear helmets, people!

 **PRYDE:** _(interview voiceover)_ The First Order has gotten a lot of criticism over our helmet policy and armor design.

CUT TO INTERVIEW

 **PRYDE:** People whine about how they don’t repel bullets. They say that we shouldn’t be so strict about our troops wearing them when we’re not giving them adequate protection or a sense of identity. What our critics don’t appreciate is that what we lack in protecting our troops from the enemy we make up for by protecting the troops from ourselves.

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH CAPTAIN PHASMA

INTRODUCTORY TEXT: Captain Phasma, 312 years old, currently on leave on Exegol

 **PHASMA:** Majority of our Stormtroopers are predeceased. (pauses to consider) Actually, that might not be true. Let me put that differently: majority of our Stormtroopers are either predeceased or permanently deceased in an inanimate corpse sort of way. Therefore, they need to have proper protection against the rest of the crew in case anyone gets too hungry.

_Close up shots of a Stormtrooper helmet._

**HUX:** (voiceover) The helmets have a specific shape and material that protects against fangs.

CUT TO FOOTAGE OF HUX DEMONSTRATING THE PROPERTIES OF STORMTROOPER ARMOR

_Hux turns over the helmet to show the curvature of the base._

**HUX:** Vampires tend to bite at a 72.40-degree angle relative to the normal of the surface of the victim’s neck. So, I designed the shape to inhibit penetration by fangs. It’s nearly impossible to bite someone’s neck with the Stormtrooper helmet on. You’d have to bend your head at an odd angle. _(He cranes his neck as with reference to the helmet to demonstrate.)_ And if you did bend that far, your own neck would probably be broken, and by then the victim would have run away. For extra protection, the material has a thin lining of silver in the interior, sandwiched between the outer covering.

_Roll old footage of Imperial Stormtroopers getting attacked by a group of hungry vampiric technicians. Although they are wearing armor, the protective gear is penetrated by the vampire’s fangs._

**HUX:** (voiceover) Designing armor against vampires is a challenge because our fangs can bite through 90% of standard protective materials, including blaster-bolt-repelling gear.

_Roll footage of a First Order Stormtrooper getting attacked by one of the Bridge pit technicians who has skipped lunch. Their helmet protects them from being bitten and the trooper is able to escape, only to be shot shortly after by Finn (ex-First Order Stormtrooper, now Rebel Scum) who has infiltrated the Star Destroyer._

**HUX:** (voiceover) So, we had to sacrifice certain protective aspects for others. I personally think we made the right choice. Yes, our rate of death by Rebel Scum spies has increased slightly in the past decade. But vampire-related injuries of predeceased personnel have been reduced to nearly 5% of the rate during the Imperial era, and the latest incidents have all been due to irresponsible helmet violations. I think the armor is just one of the many innovations that proves how far we have come since the days of the Galactic Vampiric Empire. Some would try to argue otherwise despite the data. I suppose you can’t convince everyone.

CUT TO FOOTAGE OF HUX’S SHIFT

**INT. Central Command Wing of _The Steadfast_**

**HUX:** (turns to camera as he approaches the entrance to the Bridge) It’s 20:30 in the evening, which is when I make my report to Allegiant General Pryde. This is also when we discuss coordinating the lunch break which begins in 30 minutes. (glances at the Bridge) He’s been rather bad-tempered lately in light of the worsening blood shortage, so we’ll see how this goes.

_He enters the Bridge and finds Pryde brooding by the viewport. After giving one last pained smile at the camera, Hux crosses the room to meet the senior officer._

**PRYDE:** (interview voiceover) My relationship with Armitage Hux extends quite far back.

CUT TO HOLOGRAPH MONTAGE

_A holograph from 198 years old shows Pryde and two other vampires – a woman and a stern-looking man with redhair – holding a baby swaddled in blankets. They appear to be in an underground tomb._

**PRYDE:** (interviewer voiceover cont.) Armitage’s father, Brendol Hux, and his wife Maratelle, were old friends of mine. I met Armitage when he was an infant. It seems that Brendol had an affair with a former medic. Some people at the time called her a “kitchen woman” which has led to misconceptions that she was some sort of scullery maid, but that wasn’t the case. We called her a “kitchen woman” because in her human life, she used to work at a blood bank, and to vampires, that was essentially a kitchen. At any rate, they had a child, which was actually very unusual saying that one’s reproductive capacities are pretty minimal postmortem.

_An old holograph shows Hux as a child, playing with a model TIE Fighter and a pile of bones next to a coffin._

**PRYDE:** (interviewer voiceover cont.) By some strange trick of undead genetics, the baby was human, which worked out surprisingly smoothly at first. I was a little like an uncle to him. He was raised on a nocturnal schedule. We’d go out hunting for victims normally, only we’d target people who were returning home grocery shopping, so that after we’d drained them of blood, we could bring the food back for Armitage. It all worked fine until he started to grow up.

_Subsequent holographs depict Armitage’s progression from awkward preteen to angsty teenager to grim and angsty young adult._

**PRYDE:** (interviewer voiceover cont.) Soon, he was in his thirties. He was young and very whinny about not being able to go outside during the daytime and thus having few living friends. He was still a virgin, in part because I don’t believe anyone ever gave him The Talk. As you might imagine, it became increasingly difficult to stop the other vampires from eating him. I’d grown somewhat attached to the boy and didn’t feel very comfortable with eating him. So, I had a talk with Brendol and we agreed that someone needed to bite him. The problem was that Brendol was an irreparable procrastinator and I knew he’d never get around to doing it, but he was also very opposed to anyone else doing the job. Some kind of bizarre father-son business, I suppose.

CUT TO VIDEO REENACTMENT

_The reenactment shows the garlic-sunlight-tragedy that led to the demise of Brendol Hux. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads: “Actor Reenactment - No real sunlight or garlic was used during filming.”_

**PRYDE:** (interviewer voiceover cont.) Then, one day, Brendol got into a dispute with one of his former cadets, Phasma. I believe she and Armitage conspired to play a prank on him involving garlic, which isn’t lethal to vampires but still smells horrible. It was very immature. Their prank went horribly awry and Brendol tripped onto a MSE droid which happened to have silver wheels, burning his foot and his right shoulder. He then went into a bacta coffin to recover. During the healing process, one of the medical droids accidentally opened the coffin’s lid during the daytime, causing Brendol to disintegrate.

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH CAPTAIN PHASMA

 **PHASMA:** People ask me if I have regrets for my role in Brendol’s disintegration. (shrugs) The answer is no. None at all.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEW WITH PRYDE

 **PRYDE:** After the tragic incident, there really wasn’t anyone to keep Armitage from being eaten besides me. It was very stressful. He kept whining to me about how he was getting “old” and needed to be bitten right this instant. I really did not have time for this drama, so I agreed to bite him if he’d stop bothering me. I received significant backlash for it. All my colleagues believed Armitage was too young and immature to be turned, which I’m starting to agree with. And he’s remained utterly ungrateful to this day.

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH HUX

 **HUX:** What was it like to be bitten? Hmm. Well, I remember having an argument with Pryde about why I was still human, and then he yelled something about “will you leave me alone if I do this for you?!” And I said “yes”. Then he lunged at me and sank his fangs into my neck. I woke up some amount of time later; I wasn’t breathing. My heart was completely still and lifeless. My skin was cold as the touch of Death himself. And I thought to myself, “Finally! Was that really so hard to do?”

CUT TO HUX’S AFTERNOON REPORT ON THE BRIDGE

**INT. Command Bridge of _The Steadfast_**

_Allegiant General Pryde stands at the head of the Bridge, scowling as Hux delivers his report._

**HUX:** We had a transformation incident with two cadets. They were having a Mynock Fight in the hangar, flew down the trash chute by mistake and were nearly crushed by the trash compactor. They have been rescued and sentenced to sanitizing the mess hall after feeding sessions. The Supreme Leader threw Petty Officer Sanna into the ceiling when the latter asked him and his knights to turn their music down in the lounge. Tomorrow, I shall give my speech on biting hygiene-

 **PRYDE:** I’ve seen the written report. Anything else?

 **HUX:** (deep sigh) No, sir.

 **PRYDE:** Let’s move on then. Now, as you are somehow a member of the Supreme Council, we require your vote for the lunchtime victim options for the Bridge crew. I sent you their profiles over holomail this morning. I assume you’ve reviewed them.

 **HUX:** (checking datapad) Yes, I have it right here.

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH HUX

 **HUX:** Normally, before lunchtime, the Supreme Council reviews the Resistance Scum prisoners we have captured, and we all vote on who looks the most delicious. Unfortunately, ever since the Battle of Crait, Resistance Scum have been rather scarce. We have a few prisoners in the dungeon bay, but we are saving them for the Sith Eternal Masquerade so as to avoid the embarrassment of going empty-handed. In the meantime, because of the blood scarcity, we’ve switched our diet mainly to undergraduate interns who’ve annoyed us.

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH PRYDE

 **PRYDE:** If there’s one thing I’ve learned from over 6 centuries commanding an army, it’s that sometimes one must make sacrifices for the collective good. During the new recruit’s orientation, I explain these convictions, and they all nod their heads; they seem to agree with it. Now, I understand that they probably interpreted my statements as sacrificing oneself dying in battle against Rebel Scum or something of that nature – not being drained of blood by one’s brothers and sisters in arms. But it’s the same principle, really.

CUT BACK TO FOOTAGE ON COMMAND BRIDGE

_The camera zooms in on Hux’s datapad screen as he sifts through the victim profiles, unimpressed by the menu._

**HUX:** I don’t know. They all look so tasteless. Are you sure we don’t have anything else?

 **PRYDE:** No. This is it. What else do you want?

 **HUX:** Hmm. Are there any virgins?

 **PRYDE:** I have no way of obtaining such information. Stop being so picky and choose!

 **HUX:** Fine! Victim #4 then! Let’s just hope he isn’t as bland as he looks.

 **PRYDE:** (speaking into commlink) Lieutenant Mitaka, please bring the data intern Neil Dylet to the Bridge for the lunch hour.

INT. Training Wing of the Steadfast

_Lieutenant Dopheld Mitaka is making his way down the hall to the Interns’ Lounge. Out of all the vampires in the First Order, he is one of the few who could easily pass as a human; despite his apparent high stress level, he lacks the eerie half-dead aesthetic of his fellow officers._

**MITAKA:** I don’t particularly enjoy this part of my job. If I had a choice, I’d be vegetarian, but vampires can’t eat vegetables or any non-blood-based solid food without vomiting, so that sadly isn’t a viable option. I think they chose me for this job because I’m one of the more approachable officers. I’ve been told that I almost look predeceased from a certain angle. I have relatively small fangs too.

_He enters the lounge and waves amicably at the interns, who are currently taking their brief lunch break._

**MITAKA:** Hello, everyone.

 **INTERNS:** Hi, Dopheld!

 **MITAKA:** Sorry to bother you during your downtime, but a few of you have been requested for private meetings with Command for feeding purposes. Er, I mean. Feeding preferences. We’re doing a survey to improve the ration packs, and some of you have been chosen to uh- participate in this survey.

_The interns look a little wary of this news. Clearly, the rumors about their peers disappearing after being invited to the Command Bridge haven’t been adequately contained._

**MITAKA:** There’s a reward involved. A raffle for a free- uh – mystery technology device of some sorts. It’ll be fun. So, as I was saying, a few of you have been selected to participate: Janice Hills, Neil Dylet…

 **MITAKA:** (interview voiceover) We’ve been subsisting on interns and Stormtroopers sporadically since the shortage of Rebel Scum started a year ago. From my understanding, there’s also been a scarcity of familiars ever since the Starkiller Base accident, which also makes it difficult to lure back victims. I really do hope that the issue is resolved soon. I think the interns are getting suspicious. The only reason they still go along with me is that 4/5 times I actually take them to pleasant events, like ice cream socials and ping-pong tournaments which I guess offsets the risks.

**INT. Elevator leading to Command Bridge**

_Mitaka stands stiffly next to Neil Dylet, AKA the Bridge crew’s lunch selection._

**DYLET:** So, what exactly do I have to do for this survey?

 **MITAKA:** Well, I believe you would answer questions related to the topic of the – uh – the survey. Yeah.

 **DYLET:** Huh. Kind of odd that they’re holding it on the Command Bridge, don’tcha think? Like, isn’t that place usually reserved for the generals and their immediate aides? I’ve never been up there before. (chuckles) It’s kind of nerve-wracking.

 **MITAKA:** Well, there’s really no need to be nervous. The High Command can actually be quite nice. They don’t bite – well, not hard at least – they’re really neat and delicate about it. At least, Hux is.

_Dylet stares at him with a mixture of confusion and dread. Mitaka answers with a weak laugh._

**INT. Command Bridge**

**HUX:** (speaking over commlink) What do you mean you can’t deliver the victim?!

 **MITAKA:** I don’t know anymore. We started talking and then things got out of hand. I think he’s suspicious, and I just – I have a bad feeling about this.

 **HUX:** I don’t care what manner of feelings you have about it. Lunch is lunch. I’ve got a crew to feed up here. They already blame me for the victim shortage.

 **PRYDE:** What’s going on here?

 **HUX:** Mitaka tried to make conversation with the victim and now he can’t deliver our order. (glances at the tech pit) What do I tell the crew?

 **PRYDE:** Not this again. (sighs) I will inform the crew that lunch shall be delayed. Meanwhile, we need you to retrieve the victim from Mitaka, assuming he hasn’t already lost them.

 **HUX:** Why me?

 **PRYDE:** Because it’s an order and it’ll be good experience for you. Off you go.

 **PRYDE:** (interview voiceover) The younger generation of vampires hunt much less those who were bitten in the previous half-century.

CUT TO INTERVIEW

 **PRYDE:** Nowadays, instead of hunting, the young ones just slouch over to the café to get their “blood lattes” and “bloody teas” and “blood caps”, etc. I don’t think it’s good for building work ethic.

**INT. Elevator to the Command Wing.**

Lt. Mitaka and the Dylet are surfing the web on their datapads, attempting to look nonchalant.

 **DYLET:** So, how long did you say it was going to be until we get the elevator moving?

 **MITAKA:** They should be sending a technician here shortly.

_The elevator hitches and the door opens to dramatic organ music (the First Order’s new elevator bell tone), revealing Hux, his greatcoat draped over his shoulders like a dark cloak._

**HUX:** I’ll take it from here. (A lightning bolt flashes in the background, followed by a thunderous roar.) Mr. Dylet, right this way. Don’t mind the lightning and shouting. That is the Supreme Leader destroying the circuitry on the floor above us.

CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH HUX

 **HUX:** How do I feel about trapping my victims? Well, that’s a rather silly question when you think about it. You wouldn’t expect one to have very deep feelings about going grocery shopping, and it’s really the same chore in principle.

_Photograph montage of Hux 100 years ago show him with many ex-lovers, i.e. ex-victims._

**HUX:** (voiceover) I have a reputation for my skill at luring victims back to the Order. All vampires have a preferred location for ensnaring prey. Some like dead forests, abandoned castles, nightclubs. I prefer libraries, scientific conventions, academic settings. That sort of thing. I feel like if you’re going to eat someone, you wouldn’t want to eat one imbecile after another. Thinking about what that would do to you in the long run – well, it certainly can’t be good for mental acuity. I was renowned in the Order for tempting Resistance scholars back to our fleet. Now, I don’t do that so much anymore. (hesitates) Mainly because it’s – um – beneath my status. But to a lesser extent because of The Curse.

_Imposing, dark classical music plays in the background at the mention of The Curse._

**INT. Hallway**

_Hux is escorting Dylet to the Bridge when the lights begin to flicker. Suddenly, the hallway goes dark. The camera switches to night vision illuminating the scene with an eerie, pale-green hue._

**DYLET:** Is this a power outage?

 **HUX:** Quiet!

The sound of pounding footsteps can be heard further down the hall, growing louder with every moment. Hux turns to the camera nervously.

 **HUX:** Are we going to have young viewers watching this movie? Because if there are, you might want to pause the filming. This could get a little bloody.

 **DYLET:** What’s going on? Why do we have a camera-

 **HUX:** Shh! Alright. We must be careful. Trust me, if you’re going to be eaten, you don’t want to be eaten by the Knights of Ren.

 **DYLET:** Wait. What did you just say?

_The pounding footsteps intensify._

**HUX:** Never mind what I said. I’m trying to make the best of the situation for both of us.

_The camera falls to the ground, followed by the screams of Dylet, Hux and the cameraman and the screeching of Mynocks._

**HUX:** (shrieking) Ren! That’s my victim! Give him back!

 _The camera is flung across the hallway as Hux continues to scream._ _A shadow swoops overhead before the footage goes black._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback is appreciated.


End file.
